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He Is So Angry!


You’ve asked yourself a million times (like many parents), “WHY is he so angry all the time?!”  You do your absolute best to give him options, choices, and plenty of rewards – and still, he gets so angry!

Moms in the Boys Alive! Facebook group shared:

“When he doesn’t get his way – he yells, cries, and throws a tantrum.”

“When you tell him something he doesn’t want to hear – he yells, slams doors, and says he hates you.”

“When he’s frustrated – even when his clothes feel too tight – he kicks, hits, and yells.”

One mom was so relieved to know that her son was not the only one with “this problem.”  Another thought that it was HER – how she was reacting to him, that she wasn’t supporting him effectively.

I’m so glad to tell you that IT IS NOT YOU.


Anger seems like a good fit because its physical, its impulsive, its quick – he doesn’t have to stop and think about his thoughts or process his feelings – or find words to express it all.  It’s so much easier to just kick a chair.


We want him to understand, feel, and be able to process the full range of emotions available to us as humans.

We don’t want to deny our boys their anger.

We DO want to help them manage it and use it appropriately.

It is imperative that WE understand the emotion of anger so we can help him understand and manage it.

The Boys Alive! Learning Lab is designed to do just that.

Boys and Anger is our next topic.  You’ll have a 90-minute, in-depth, live learning opportunity designed to guide you in exploring many aspects of anger — how you react to his anger; how to help him understand and manage his feelings of anger; and the practical strategies to help him move beyond anger. We’ll have live Q & A and you’re always sent the recording.Learn more and register here.

When your boy is angry – whether it is the out-loud anger or the hide-in-his room anger – your task is to acknowledge his feelings, then help him understand and navigate through them.

Later, take a step back and examine what he might be masking with his anger. Ask yourself:  Is he nervous, scared, frustrated, sad, disappointed, embarrassed? Does he have a physical pain or hurt feelings? Is he feeling criticized or judged? Is he feeling pressured academically or socially?

When you’ve got an idea of what might be the root cause of his anger then you have the background knowledge to help him resolve it in a more pro-active, socially-friendly way.

I like Rosalind Wiseman’s SEAL process, described in her book, “Masterminds and Wingmen.”  Learning this process will help him begin to put his feelings into words and help him deal with the person he is angry with.

She describes SEAL as a four-step process:

  1. STOP and SET it UP: Breathe, look, listen, think. Where should you confront the person? Now in public, or later in private.
  2. EXPLAIN: what happened that you don’t like, want or are worried about? What do you want instead?  This step enables the problem to be clearly stated.
  3. AFFIRM and ACKNOWLEDGE: Affirm your right to (or another’s) to be treated with dignity and acknowledge everything you’ve done to contribute to the problem.
  4. LOCK in or LOCK OUT: If you’re in a friendship with this person, decide whether you want to continue, and on what terms.

The SEAL process allows for social competency and speaking up for one’s own dignity, with the “ultimate goal of having the truest control possible over yourself and the situation.”  A great strategy for all of us to have!

Whether your son is 2, 10, 14, or 17 – you’ve faced his angry-self and it can feel intimidating and scary for you. That can be hard to admit. Yet, it’s just another step in the process of understanding anger. If you were raised with an angry parent, no wonder you’re triggered when your son is expressing his anger at full volume!

Join us in The Learning Lab, there you’ll learn strategies to recognize and release your own story around anger so that you are more able to help your son learn how to ‘make friends’ with his anger.

Above all, don’t take his anger personally.

Even when he says he hates you – he’s really only telling you that he feels he has no control of the situation. Remember, “He has no idea what these words mean to your adult ears,” explains Dr. Anthony Rao in “The Way of Boys.”

Develop your poker face and understand that when he’s saying those things to you he is really saying, “I’m not getting my way right now.” Sage advice from Dr. Rao, “It won’t last. Ignore them as best you can. They will pass.”

Get the help you need to navigate his anger in The Learning Lab!

And because boys are so visual, maybe these graphics from The Home Teacher will help!









P.S. Join us in the Boys Alive! Facebook Group for more on all-things-boys!

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